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A Female Bodybuilder?

Ok, whoever tried to trick me by putting a woman's face on this bodybuilders body can just give it up because I'm not buying it. There's no way that's a woman, I wonder if female bodybuilders ever get 'checked' to make sure they are in the right category? I've seen Mulan, and Mulan 2, so you're not going to fool me with a gender switcheroo. I'm a bit of an expert on the subject because I've also seen Big Momma's House, Mrs. Doubtfire, White Chicks, Sorority Boys, and She's The Man. I really don't care whether or not she wins the trophy for the bodybuilding contest, but I call dibs on the movie rights.


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At least she attempted to tan her face along with the rest of her body. Unfortunately it didn't work out all that well because she wanted to get artistic with it and use a different shade above her chin. I always thought fitness competitions are all about looks, right? Right? You can check the rules again but I'm pretty sure section 7.8c clearly states that the hottest chick wins. So why would you ever screw up your chances of victory by going with a freestyle tan instead of the tried and true one color kind? Ah, she must already have it in the bag via a quid pro quo situation with the judges. She doesn't? It must be blackmail then?
2 Shades
Even though it's winter you can still get a bad tan, evidenced by this dude's face. Spend a solid week skiing with your goggles on and you're going to have some sweet goggle tan lines. Of course the alternative is just as bad, because if you ski without goggles your eyes will tear up from the cold wind. So you're left with the choice between raccoon eyes and getting called a sissy by your bros, go with the goggle tan lines every time. Experience has taught me that while it takes a long time to recover from tan lines, you can never recover from crying like a girl in front of your bros. Along those lines you should never watch The Notebook, cut onions, or eat really spicy food with your bros around.
Ski Goggle Tan Lines
There's something weird about the girl in this photo. I can't decide if it's the pose that makes her arm look really long, her facial expression that makes her look like a swamp creature, or her orange tan. What is it about young women these days that makes them always turn their heads in photos, are they too cool to look straight into the camera?
A really weird tanner
Everything about this photo is tripled, there's 3 girls, 3 red shirts and 9 times the amount of fake tanner, which is 3 times too much per girl. I'll give them credit for matching the color so well, normally it's hard to get one person a single shade of orange, they got 3. If I ever want to look stupidly orange, these are the people I'm going to ask to help me. They've got it down.
3 Bad Fake Tans

That's an Awesome Natural Tan

I don't normally do this, but I feel compelled to compliment this man on his awesome natural tan. Hey that rhymes, let's see if I can keep this going while mentioning the tan I'm showing. He wears a cross and his skin color's gloss, so sexy it's a loss his suit isn't butt floss. He's checking his phone, which makes him accident prone since he's been tanning alone, hope he doesn't break his anklebone. I must remark his tan is dark but still on the mark since he knocked it out of the park. While it's been fun dropping my homespun pun outta my word gun but it's over hun this is a hit-and-run, time to get more sun.


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Maybe they're not good enough friends to take a couple photos before prom because if they were she would've been invited spray tanning. It's all for appearances sake, and because limos are much cheaper if you split the cost between a dozen people. The same tends to hold true for spray tans which means they must really hate her. What did she do, steal someone's boyfriend right before prom leaving them dateless? Now I don't know female prom etiquette, but if that happened she probably deserves worse. It's only the start but I really want to know what happened at this prom. That green dress was a good choice because at this point a girl fight is inevitable. I got 50 on her because mobility is a huge factor.
She Wasn't Invited Spray Tanning
Thanks to the TLC channel I've seen some pretty disturbing addictions, but the spray tanning addiction is by far my favorite. Who cares about the woman that eats toilet paper when you've got this idiot that thinks she needs to stay tan during the winter. If she just moved to a place where it's sunny all the time, like Hawaii, nobody could even tell she had a horrible addiction. On a related note, do they even have indoor tanning facilities in Hawaii?
Spray Tanning Addiction
Girl, you got way too orange and that sweater isn't working at all. You should've gone with a more moderate shade of spray tan, something with a little less neon in it. She looks like a news anchor, man I'd like to watch that news show to see how the other anchors interact with her without laughing. I couldn't do it, I'd be cracking jokes during my weather routine about how awful she looks. It's going to be a rainy 57 degrees today so try not to get too much sun Nicole.
Way too orange girlfriend!
I'm at a loss for words. Her fake tan is just way too bad for me to comprehend, it's like she received the worlds first face transplant from an orange. This is less like tanning and more like face painting, put some stripes on her face and she's a tiger. What's with her eyes too, did she paint over them? I sure hope that this isn't where fake tanning is headed, but then again I would have some awesome pictures.
A super bad fake tan

Surprisingly Not a Duck Face

I know what you're thinking, that she's trying to do the duck face, but she isn't. Here's a couple seconds to guess what she's really doing... Time's up, she's trying her hardest to hold her breath. All the best models know that holding your breath makes you look miles skinnier in the middle, bigger on the top, and thinner in the face. She doesn't quite have the training to make it look like the model face instead of the duck face, but I'll give her points for trying. Then I'll take those points right back because places where you poop are never good photo opportunities, and she didn't even bother to tan the top or her forehead. All things considered I think you can flush her modeling career right down one of those toilets.


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Somebody mentioned Snooki's boyfriend so I had to go take a look and wow, how can he be tanner than Snooki? Since 2009 Snooki has been the bronze standard for being too tan but now it appears she's lost the throne. When she stopped tanning for her baby it appears she didn't leave the game completely because she must've coached her boyfriend in how to tan if he got this dark. This better be a new career path for her, I wanna be coached by Snooki too! Of course I'd take her tanning course and then do the exact opposite, but not everyone knows to do that. Their baby will need some serious tanning help because two wrongs don't make a right.
Snooki's Boyfriend is Tanner Than Her
That's a fact. Nobody would ever hire a pale fitness model for their workout video. Why just a second ago I searched for pale fitness models and I came up with nothing, they just don't exist. You need to have a tan if you want to wear skimpy clothes and pretend like a wheel on a stick or a push up bar is how you got in shape. I can see the Muscle Milk in the background, so I'm sure this is another ad for milk. Can't cows be satisfied with 2%, 1%, Skim, Soy, Vitamin D, and Chocolate? Why'd they feel the need to push Muscle Milk into an already saturated market. My mistake that's actually Muscle Milk Light, those greedy bastards have taken it too far this time.
Fitness Models Need to Tan
I wonder how she got her face to look so smooth, it's almost like she's figured out how to use a drape steamer on her face. My drapes never look that wrinkle free, I must know her secret. She should start selling her wrinkle fighting secrets to women and pug owners, both groups would easily pay 3 payments of 17.50 to learn her patented secrets. I figured out why she's so wrinkle free, she's a robotic fake girl. It makes perfect sense because Japan's robotic industry has made huge advances in the last few years. Looks like they finally created a couple robots that look like they could be real girls. Unfortunately I know how this ends, I've seen Terminator 3. Get to your underground mountain base before these robots set off nukes everywhere! This better not be another false alarm, that would be the fourth one this year. I can't afford to keep driving back and forth to the mountains, especially with gas over $3.
These Girls Look Really Fake
Thanks for the post, I keep forgetting to thank you for all these pictures, sorry. This woman is definitely orange, but I just know somebody's going to complain that it's bad lighting or that she recently ate a bunch of carrots or something stupid like that, so I'll focus more on that dudes shirt. I looked it up and it's around 30 to 60 bucks for that? I feel like I could eat a bunch of Lucky Charms and vomit a better looking shirt than that. With the price of Lucky Charms being like 4 bucks plus the cost of fabric and some cough drops to sooth my throat I still couldn't justify charging that much. I bet Ed uses Trix for his color palette because it has darker blues and truer yellows than LC, that must be why it costs so much.
I Think She's Orange

He Got the Worst Sunburn

When him and a bunch of friends went on vacation he didn't know that by the time they came back he'd have the worst sunburn, sucks to be him. It doesn't just suck because he got sunburned because they all did, what sucks is that his is the worst. If you're not the one with the worst sunburn then you have someone to laugh at and go 'at least that's not me', but if you're that guy the sunburn hurts even more because everyone's laughing at you. I understand this guys pain so much that I know why he's got the unburned patches under his eyes. It's because the tears healed that skin when he was crying himself to sleep since everyone laughed at him all day.


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That's the sort of color you turn before you get really really sick and have to go to a hospital. It's ok though because last time I checked I'm still kinda a doctor and maybe I can help. She's suffering from a little known disease called tanitis which occurs when you tan so much you get sick. It's sorta like tennis elbow but with tanning so the treatment is the same, stop playing tennis. That won't really cure her but it's still a good idea because tennis isn't a good sport. The real cure is obvious that I'll recommend she seek help treating the underlying condition that caused it, stupidity.
She Doesn't Look Well
Swimsuit models have to look like greasy carrots, I guess.  - Thanks for the post, I didn't even know these were swimsuit models. Well I guess anyone can wear a swimsuit, and I know there's been this whole movement to make models look more like normal people, but really? I know someone messed up their spray tan and gave them the glossy finish, but I'm just not seeing it. This is probably before they hand the picture off to a photoshop professional but I always thought the models would look good without the editing. Greasy isn't really the best look for a swimsuit model. I hope Kate Upton gets the message, if she needs any more advice she can call me.
Swimsuit Edition
This gangsta thought he could handle things out on the streets until he wound up in a serious rap battle. Apparently he doesn't spit hot enough fire to keep up with his opponent, which is why he got burned. That's a pretty serious burn he's got there, reminds me of my tussle with P. Diddy back in the day after which I spent 3 months in the burn unit. Don't get me wrong, I would've won that rap battle if P. Diddy didn't copy me and use my own rhymes against me when my defenses were down. What can I say, P. Diddy is a master of copying much better artists and somehow doing better than they did in the first place. This guy's opponent can't really brag about this victory though, because 90% of this burn is from the sun.
You Just Got Burned!
It's always fun to take a picture with somebody who doesn't know you're only taking the photo so you can make fun of them later. You might think that's mean, but this girl deserves it after what she did to her skin. That isn't even possible with a single coat of spray tan, she must've used about 4, which is rather unkind to the salon owner that charges a flat fee for a spray tanning session. He actually lost money on that deal because she used way too much, now what's he going to tell his family when there's no food on the table? I'm just kidding, he still made enough money because she bought the monthly pass and only showed up twice, even if twice for her uses the same amount of tanning lotion as another person would showing up 9 times.
Let's All Laugh at Her Tan
I Need a Sunbrella

There's nothing cooler than having your own sexy sunbrella chick following you around with a constant supply of shade. So far a horde of women has already applied for this job, but I've had to turn them all down because I don't own a single sunbrella. All I've got are normal rain umbrellas, and everyone knows you can't use an umbrella as a sunbrella. Another key element of my selection process will be to find the palest chick I can, not someone tan like this girl. Why, because she wouldn't be tan if she was correctly supplying shade all day long? The only reason this girl hasn't been fired yet is because she doesn't own a shirt with buttons.


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I really hope they still got the group discount even though two of them didn't participate. If you add up the number of tans it shouldn't even be a question, but sometimes it's based on the number of people and there's only 7 here. There might be 7 tan people here, but each of them has about 3-4 tans which gives us a group of approximately 25. At $20 a pop that's 400 bucks, not a bad haul for giving 7 people bad tans. New business idea! It's a traveling tanning company that caters specifically to bodybuilders. They use so much you can charge a fortune and let's be honest, quality isn't really important so you can just spray and pray. That gave me a second idea, but something tells me a church that also does spray tans wouldn't work.
Group Discount
Classy girls.  -  Thanks for the post, these girls do have a hint of class to them. It's well documented that only classy people blow kisses, and people in the lower class can't really afford that orange glow. It all adds up to one classy picture, then again I'm no numerologist. Does the number 6.08696 mean anything to you guys? Yeah, I'm drawing a blank too. Whatever it is it must be one classy number if it's so important to these girls. Wait a minute, if you multiply 6.08696 by 3.778569269 you get 23. This can't be good.
Classy Girls
I'd like to interrupt this post to talk about beard envy, which is a growing concern among the testosteronally challenged. It first manifests itself when you begin noticing how awesome everyone else's beards are. Then you slowly begin to appreciate the lesser known benefits of owning a beard such as it's crumb corralling powers and an immense increase in perceived toughness. Eventually you become so delusional from beard envy that you tan a beard on your face by covering the top half of your head and laying in the sun. According to BirdWatching magazine, 81% of the male population and 99.99% of the female population currently suffer from this disease. For men the disease only triggers an outbreak every few years but for women the prognosis is never good.
Beard Envy
Not many kids can get a sunburn all over their body without crying, but this isn't your average kid. No, he's smart enough to realize that his parents' lack of foresight with the sunscreen could play to his advantage. Not many ladies can resist a cute kid, but a cute kid with a sexy tan? He'd be irresistible, how devious! He's accounted for everything, so it would be the perfect plan if not for one small oversight. He's a member of a prestigious club with an ancient list of unbreakable rules. I believe the one that applies here is 'No girls allowed'.
He Pulls it Off