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A Female Bodybuilder?

Ok, whoever tried to trick me by putting a woman's face on this bodybuilders body can just give it up because I'm not buying it. There's no way that's a woman, I wonder if female bodybuilders ever get 'checked' to make sure they are in the right category? I've seen Mulan, and Mulan 2, so you're not going to fool me with a gender switcheroo. I'm a bit of an expert on the subject because I've also seen Big Momma's House, Mrs. Doubtfire, White Chicks, Sorority Boys, and She's The Man. I really don't care whether or not she wins the trophy for the bodybuilding contest, but I call dibs on the movie rights.


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I'm sure she gets so many spray tans over the course of the year that she can practically sleep through them but this time she might've wanted to stay awake and keep a check on the results. It's at that level of orange that's not so bad she needs to get it off as fast as possible, but it's not exactly good either. She's in a tricky situation and had to make a gutsy call to keep the spray tan, kinda like the coach that decides to go for it on fourth down. If it works out well nobody even notices, but unfortunately it didn't so we're up in arms. She knows why I always defer gutsy calls, and now she's going to fire the tanning coach that got her into this mess.
Looking a Little Orange There
This is the first device I've ever seen that allows you to tan only your feet to eliminate your sock tan lines. It's pretty genius actually, millions of people suffer every year from pale feet and there's always been a solution at the tip of our fingers with tanning bed technology. Now you don't have to spend countless hours outside walking around in your bare feet to get rid of sock tan lines. The company's market is surprisingly specific, they advertise specifically to older golfers living in Florida, probably because they wear golf shoes too often and are too old to realize it's extremely overpriced at $230 a unit with $50 shipping. If you're out there in Florida wondering how to tan your feet I've got $300 worth of advice for you, 'Go outside and walk around bare foot'.
How to Tan Your Feet
I was wondering why they were pointing at each others butts when it hit me. He's pointing at her butt because it's probably just as tan as her face and she's pointing at his butt because it isn't there. It's a common problem that a lot of people around the world suffer from and unfortunately our society is superficial enough that there is a cure. What is the condition, it's known as being a double butt amputee or it's medically known as only having a gluteus minimus. Most people have the standard maximus and some even have the gigantus, but a small subset of people are jealous because they have no butt. You know the saying that you always want what you can't have? That's why he's pointing.
So That's Why
There's nothing that says hardcore gangster like holding a finger pistol while half-hugging your incredibly tan bro. These G's decided to get krunk and drink exactly 2 beers each before they went on a shooting spree (photographs that is). Maybe these guys can't handle their alcohol but that is no excuse for anything I'm seeing. On the gangster meter this photo is right above The Teletubbies but right below wearing a purse.
Hardcore gangsta tan

That's an Awesome Natural Tan

I don't normally do this, but I feel compelled to compliment this man on his awesome natural tan. Hey that rhymes, let's see if I can keep this going while mentioning the tan I'm showing. He wears a cross and his skin color's gloss, so sexy it's a loss his suit isn't butt floss. He's checking his phone, which makes him accident prone since he's been tanning alone, hope he doesn't break his anklebone. I must remark his tan is dark but still on the mark since he knocked it out of the park. While it's been fun dropping my homespun pun outta my word gun but it's over hun this is a hit-and-run, time to get more sun.


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Along with her wonderfully fake tan, Katie Price seems to have a knack for self-promotion. The only other person I've seen with such blatant self-promotion skills is Oprah, and even she doesn't wear costumes with her magazine cover on them. I should start doing the same thing, did I mention you're reading Way2Tan right now? I tried, I just can't do it. How do you manage to get such an ego that you name a magazine after yourself, put yourself on the cover of said magazine, and put the magazine on a swimsuit to show it off with your huge fake boobs? At least Oprah never tried that, it would've ended badly for everyone.
Katie Price's Fake Tan
Whatever goes here.
Worst Music Video Ever
Now you can see why I've always advocated that a tan is a woman's best accessory mainly because bracelets, anklets, purses, and rings are stupid wastes of money. She's got a watch, a bracelet, a ring, a purse, and an anklet but the first thing you probably noticed was her tan. Why waste time putting on all that stuff when you could just be lazy, lay outside, and accessorize? A tan might not go with everything but the list of things it clashes with is pretty short. Off the top of my head you've got vampire costumes and zombie costumes. Okay, so as long as it isn't the end of October you can wear your tan with anything. You need to be able to, it's kinda hard to take off.
Her Best Accessory
She didn't want everyone to know she got a fake tan, so she specifically went looking for a natural looking orange tan. I'm sad to say she couldn't complete her quest, but I'm sure she learned a lot of important lessons getting wherever she is now. The big one was that if you want a natural looking tan you should cut out the middle man and get a natural tan. The other thing she learned is that watching widescreen movies on an old TV sucks. You just can't get that cinema feel from a low quality tube TV and a VCR. We really shouldn't be taking technology lessons from her because when's the last time you saw a tan IT professional? She's right though, an HD home theater is the way to go.
A Nice, Natural Orange

Surprisingly Not a Duck Face

I know what you're thinking, that she's trying to do the duck face, but she isn't. Here's a couple seconds to guess what she's really doing... Time's up, she's trying her hardest to hold her breath. All the best models know that holding your breath makes you look miles skinnier in the middle, bigger on the top, and thinner in the face. She doesn't quite have the training to make it look like the model face instead of the duck face, but I'll give her points for trying. Then I'll take those points right back because places where you poop are never good photo opportunities, and she didn't even bother to tan the top or her forehead. All things considered I think you can flush her modeling career right down one of those toilets.


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This woman wanted to make her lips more plump and make her face a nice shade of orange, lucky for us she had enough money to do both. I don't know where she got the money, but I am pretty sure I do know why she had no friends to photograph her.
Should I Get Botox or Tan? Both.
I don't know whether this is a really tan lady or a decomposing body on the beach. Her skin is about to fall off it's so tan and leathery, and I think those splotches on her legs are skin cancer. There's other people at the beach too, why don't they tell her to leave? If people can get addicted to tanning, she should be the spokesperson for that. I can't picture any rational person seeing that in a mirror and thinking 'I'm not too tan yet'.
Way Too Much Sun
How do you forget to tan your arms? What possible scenario happened that she couldn't tan either of her arms? Could she have run out of money after doing her face?  Does she have severe allergies to fake tanner on her arms only? Did she think nobody would notice the difference between her face and everything else? Why couldn't she just put on a long sleeved shirt if she couldn't afford to tan her arms? I don't know, some will always remain mysteries.
She forgot something
I had this whole speech worked up about how this was a picture of me in my sexy male model days, but that would be a complete lie so I can't write that. The truth is that this is a picture of my identical twin, we look exactly alike except for two small differences. The first is that I have never, and will never, wear a speedo. I don't believe in them and I hate the tan lines so I go nude. Somehow I have yet to hear a single complaint, weird. The second difference is that I don't wear a silly bracelet. Correction, I should say that I don't wear that exact silly bracelet, because I wear Silly Bandz on my wrists at all times. You never know when you're going to need a rubber band shaped like a rhinoceros. I sort of got off track here but you got my main point that I'm a sexy male model and a Silly Bandz collector, right?
Here's a Sexy Male Model

He Got the Worst Sunburn

When him and a bunch of friends went on vacation he didn't know that by the time they came back he'd have the worst sunburn, sucks to be him. It doesn't just suck because he got sunburned because they all did, what sucks is that his is the worst. If you're not the one with the worst sunburn then you have someone to laugh at and go 'at least that's not me', but if you're that guy the sunburn hurts even more because everyone's laughing at you. I understand this guys pain so much that I know why he's got the unburned patches under his eyes. It's because the tears healed that skin when he was crying himself to sleep since everyone laughed at him all day.


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Yeah, so this is officially a thing now. I guess knowing the things people do to get tan it really shouldn't surprise me that some people wear masks while swimming to keep their faces pale. I guess if you're going to go to this extreme to keep yourself pale at the beach you might as well not even go. You'll miss out on half the fun, but I suppose it's a necessary evil if you like swimming and hate tanning. Why can't you find an indoor pool or go swimming at night? Maybe it's for celebrities that don't want to get recognized? Good, let's make this happen already because I'm sick of news about stars in bikinis. No, it's a bad idea because then they'd make even more news playing guessing games. I give up.
Keep Your Face Pale
This is an after photo from a reader's first attempt at spray tanning and I must say it's not too shabby. She didn't wind up as an orange girl, she doesn't have splotchy spots everywhere, and it isn't so dark that you immediately know it's unnatural. I'm going to go with beginners luck because her haircut doesn't give me confidence in her beautician abilities. I'd bet good money that she used one of those laser levels you can buy at Home Depot to cut her bangs. I'm definitely no hair stylist, I once gave myself a huge bald spot trying to cut my own hair, but maybe if it wasn't a straight line it would look a bit more professional. Good work on the spray tan though.
Her First Spray Tan
That's exactly what this dude is wondering at this very moment, how long will it be before he looks like a normal human being? It's debatable whether he got a spray tan or used a Costco amount of fake tanning lotion, but either way he still looks bad. That's a sweet Bic pen tattoo, what size ball point did you use for that? That's hardcore, I wouldn't want to mess with this guy at all, once he figures out how long his spray tan will last he can start drawing tattoos to cover his arms entirely.  How else is he going to pass the time when he's bored in social studies class? Don't worry parents out there because he only tattoos himself to further his education, he has a physics test right after social studies.
How Long Does a Spray Tan Last?
Did you know that a sunburned scalp is the fourth largest killer of motorcycle club members? First place obviously goes to motorcycle crashes, it is a motorcycle club after all. In second place is heart disease, it's usually number one but I think this is a testament to the heart-healthy vegetarian diet most motorcyclists enjoy. Rounding out the top three is acute lead poisoning, also known as a gunshot wound. Fourth is a sunburned scalp, so if you're a biker I would suggest wearing a helmet to keep the dangerous sun off your head while you ride. I've got a tip to help you out in the gunshot department too. Stop talking about your vegetarian diet and maybe people won't be so tempted to shoot you.
Sunburned Scalp
I Need a Sunbrella

There's nothing cooler than having your own sexy sunbrella chick following you around with a constant supply of shade. So far a horde of women has already applied for this job, but I've had to turn them all down because I don't own a single sunbrella. All I've got are normal rain umbrellas, and everyone knows you can't use an umbrella as a sunbrella. Another key element of my selection process will be to find the palest chick I can, not someone tan like this girl. Why, because she wouldn't be tan if she was correctly supplying shade all day long? The only reason this girl hasn't been fired yet is because she doesn't own a shirt with buttons.


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Focus on the dude with glasses, now look at his forehead. Looks like he's wearing a pale headband right, that's because it's a new style I just invented called, you guessed it, the pale headband. Like hippies in the 70's, headbands are coming back into style and what is better than a cloth ring around your head? Answer: A stupid looking semi-permanent pale ring around your head.
The pale headband
Ok, the conspiracy theorist in me is telling me that these three ladies didn't get to be the same color by accident. Now it's either one of two things, they're friends and like to spray tan together or management has an off the books spray tan policy. I don't think you can legally require anyone to spray tan, so these 3 probably got tan because they think it makes them look better. Of course beautification wasn't the goal, it's because of the fact that more attractive servers make more money and get promoted sooner. Wait, if they get promoted sooner that means the Hooters corporate office has the hottest of all the Hooters girls? How have I never heard of this before, now that's a conspiracy! I'm off to Atlanta to investigate further.
Mandatory Dress Code
The people at my school I swear to God.  -  Thanks for the picture, and nice pun by the way. It does appear that she has a significant tan, but I think she's also altered this photo to show that she's a 'creative girl'. You probably know the kind of thing I'm talking about because it's all over Facebook. When a girl changes a photo to black and white to make it look more artistic, like it ever works. In the end I'm still glad I don't look like her but then again it looks like she's not sure she likes the way she looks either. Pick a pose already, either smile or you're wrinkle your forehead because doing both makes you look weird.
Orange You Glad You Don't Look Like Her
It's well known that dark tans are best photographed at night, but what's the tree doing there? She probably wanted to show off her new tattoo that reads 'If you can read this I'm not tan enough'. Her goal was to use the tattoo as a measure of how tan she gets. She still isn't where she wants to be, and I think her problem is that she's wasting time posing by trees when she should be in a tanning booth absorbing more UV rays.
That's a Dark Tan