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These Tanners Like My Website

We've been over this a hundred times, they're not holding up the peace sign anymore they're holding up the Way2Tan symbol. I can't help it if I'm huge in Japan, and it's not that I'm 6 feet 4 inches tall, the Japanese love crazy stuff like the pictures seen here on their favorite site. In total I get about 4 views a day from the entire Asian region, take that Google, who's the #1 website on the planet now? There's only like 17 people in India, China, and Japan combined, so my 4 viewers, these 2 included, make up roughly half of the entire Eastern population. Even though I'm looking in a mirror it's refreshing to see someone so modest about their success, so bashful in the spotlight, so humble it's almost painful to watch. Let's hope I don't get to 8 Asian viewers, my ego might explode.


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There was a comment awhile back mentioning Sidney Lee and his preference for awful tans, but I forgot about it until now. I see what you mean though, this guy's the color of a pumpkin on november 23rd. He also seems to like bandanas and that's weird because he isn't a cowboy, a motorcyclist, or a pirate, which are the three acceptable excuses for wearing a one. How do I know, cowboys don't fake tan, motorcyclists don't spray tan, and pirates don't brush their teeth. So then who is this Sidney Lee character? I don't really know more than what you've seen here, and he looks pretty stupid so let's leave it at that.
Sidney Lee
Nearly everyone I know gets a sunburnt face in different patterns, they're always unique like a fingerprint. Looks like this guy gets the burn mainly along his cheeks which is a pretty common spot to burn, but if he shaved his beard this would get a ton better. When you get a tan with a beard the results are always hilarious as the whole bottom of your face stays pale, kinda like a goggle tan line but much funnier because you'll clearly see a pale moustache. Looks like he won't be shaving for a very long time. Like anyone can afford a 5 bladed razor, those things are expensive.
Sunburnt Face
That one on the right looks like a Klingon from Star Trek and the one on the left looks like she thought she was the guy from 127 Hours. You know, because she forgot about her arm. That Klingon looks extremely scary, we better set our phasers to kill. There's something about her smile that's telling me I should run away. I do like the symmetry of how they used the not tan girls to border the orange freaks, this photographer's a pro. If I were to try and take this photo my hands would shaking so much from a combination of fear and laughter that all you'd see is two orange blobs. This guy deserves some sort of award for having nerves of steel. Starfleet should be sending him his commendation any day now.
Just Some Really Tan Girls
These two just graduated from Harvard Business School and are ready to take the world by storm. They've already started their own combination tanning salon, barbershop, and gym called Planet Guido. They're also working on getting a nightclub in the mix next fiscal quarter. Once that happens I can't picture any guido ever leaving that guido heaven, which is good for the rest of us because they'll all be contained in one location, sucks for New Jersey though.
Tanning is serious business

Super Swimsuit Self Shot

Allowing alliteration aside, what we've got here is a girl with bad swimsuit tan lines taking a self protrait. She probably this set as the desktop wallpaper on her computer so that she remembers to wear sunscreen next time she's at the beach. I know, you get all excited to feel the sand under your feet, the wind in your hair, and the hopelessness of building a sandcastle within the reach of the tide, but you need to slow down and pack your bag right. You'll need some sunscreen, your car keys, a sand shovel, a bucket, an umbrella, a lawn chair, and oh yeah, don't forget to bring a towel.


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They've got very subtle tans evidenced by the pale part around their foreheads, but nobody will ever notice that with all that's going on around them. All that bright eyeliner, neon yellow bandanas, and dark red lipstick will keep people thoroughly distracted from the tan lines while they focus on puking their guts out. That entire color scheme makes me think these ladies have never learned about color combinations. You see, this is what we get when you cut art class! You need to teach kids the importance of the color wheel! Forget recess, we have Hoverounds now so their legs are useless. We need to teach kids how to roll out into the real world with a coordinated outfit.
A Tan is the Least of Their Worries
This photograph might be one of my favorites because there's just so much going on. The woman's face looks photoshopped onto her body, the guy has a goofy smile, a sleeveless collared shirt and a tan that could only be gotten by standing on the sun.
Bodybuilders Can Tan Too
These two are sisters, and one of them just happens to have very different genetics from the other. The girl on the left got more than enough stupid genes for both of them. As a doctor, I have concluded that this 'stupid gene' is causing the left subject's brain to overlook the fact that high levels of tan are toxically hideous. The right subject appears fine at the moment, but enough peer pressure from her sibling's stupid genes could override her lack of stupidity.
Genetics are crazy
Apparently this is what happens when you take your new iPhone out into the desert and rely on it's map function to find your way back. That's not really the story behind his horrific sunburn, but I bet it's a much better story than what actually happened. It's better because I bet the real story involves immense stupidity on his part, and what's with that pale streak on his stomach? In my version it's from when he fought off a herd of coyotes, became their leader, and was pulled out of the desert on a makeshift dog sled. They're even planning a movie based on it. How much cooler will it be when he tells that to the ladies instead of that he went to the beach and forgot sunscreen?
Getting Lost

Lucie Bergeron has Muscles and a Spray Tan

That's pronounced Mrs. Muscles for everyone that doesn't want to offend her, which includes me. What can I possibly say about a woman that can beat me up, she's got a nice tan, her poses are perfect, those muscles are well defined, and I'm sure she will win all the female bodybuilding competitions she enters. Her competitors don't stand a chance. Not only do they not have the lats, quads, calves, or biceps that Lucie does, but they don't take as many steroids either. I'm just guessing that Lucie Bergeron takes steroids because how could she get those huge muscles without them? I'm sure whatever urine she gives the drug testers comes out negative for steroids, but I've seen her training schedule and there's definitely no penciled in appointments for 'steriod shots', wink wink.


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Why do people go to nightclubs looking like they've painted their bodies in orange paint? I guess I'll never know, but I can still laugh at them anyways. These guys decided to get the same porcupine haircut with frosted tips, but when the guy on the left tried to copy the right's spray tanning technique he failed. Plus, from here it almost looks like righty has a mullet, hahahahahahaha.
What is with these people?
I've been taking this art class lately and haven't been able to come up with a good idea for my large marble sculpture project, problem solved. I took my inspiration from the other famous marble sculptures such as naked guy, discus man, lady without arms, and thinking dude and based my work on the human form.   This is the picture I'm using to base my work off of, now how am I going to incorporate the biker's tan lines into my marble sculpture? Maybe I can use two different shades of marble and glue them together, marble's not that expensive? Wait a minute, I thought marble was more expensive than that. I think I accidentally typed marbles instead of marble when I purchased my supplies. Guess I'm going to have the first sculpture ever made out of marbles. Time to buy more glue.
Depressed Biker With Tan Lines
Yup, this is really happening. Their fake tans aren't all that bad, but this brings back some bad memories of when I tried my hardest to get a job at Hooters. I still have nightmares about them rejecting my applications for waitressing, their magazine cover, calendar, and swimsuit contest all in the span of 24 hours. What ever happened to gender discrimination, I guess it doesn't go both ways. Those feminists can get their way when making women CEO and VP but apparently they won't help a man become a Hooters waitress and swimsuit model. No I don't want to serve drunk men chicken wings while wearing short shorts, it's the principle that matters! Hopefully they'll call my bluff and settle out of court. C'mon big money, no whammies!
Real Classy
This woman has a tan that matches her handbag, and that's pretty cool. Unfortunately, the rest of her outfit doesn't quite match with itself. Her coat is for winter, her skirt is nonexistent, and her stocking things just ruin the color scheme. This is okay because she will fit right in at her job on the street corner with other similarly dressed women.
This fashionista spray tans

Justin Bieber With a Fake Tan

Baby Baby Baby oh, Justin Bieber finally decided to do something about his pale complexion, now he'll have even more tween girls after him. You can't deny that the Biebs was a heartthrob back when he was pale, but now that he's got a sexy tan he'll have at least 17 baby mama's coming forward each year. It also looks like he's bulked up, he must be hitting the gym because he's realized that once he loses that high-pitched voice he needs something else to attract those tweenage fans. I hope he knows that he can't keep this up forever, pretty soon he needs to break into acting or settle down and enjoy his massive pile of money. I've got a romantic comedy script that's perfect for your big screen debut Biebs, hit me up when you're ready. Oh sorry, I already cast Adam Sandler.


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I wonder how she got her face to look so smooth, it's almost like she's figured out how to use a drape steamer on her face. My drapes never look that wrinkle free, I must know her secret. She should start selling her wrinkle fighting secrets to women and pug owners, both groups would easily pay 3 payments of 17.50 to learn her patented secrets. I figured out why she's so wrinkle free, she's a robotic fake girl. It makes perfect sense because Japan's robotic industry has made huge advances in the last few years. Looks like they finally created a couple robots that look like they could be real girls. Unfortunately I know how this ends, I've seen Terminator 3. Get to your underground mountain base before these robots set off nukes everywhere! This better not be another false alarm, that would be the fourth one this year. I can't afford to keep driving back and forth to the mountains, especially with gas over $3.
These Girls Look Really Fake
You know it's bad when I need to throw in a censor bar, but that has less to do with his sunburned back and more to do with his saggy pants. Look on the bright side, at least he got some pretty even color. You might want to limit your time on the bright side, that's what got him in this mess in the first place. Now that we've survived our trip to the bright side let's look at the dull rainy side. He is going to blow his monthly budget on a couple gallons of Aloe Vera, several bottles of Advil, and an entire collection of Lifetime movies. Believe it or not there is a method to this madness. The Aloe Vera is to soothe his skin, the Advil is for the pain, and the Lifetime Movies are so nobody will think he's crying like a girl because of the sunburn. I hate to go back to the not-so-bright side, but if he's watching Lifetime movies he's going to need a stronger painkiller than Advil.
This is a Nasty Sunburn
You must admit his tan is working its magic right now. Most tans are capable of entrancing 1 or 2 ladies, but 3 is almost unheard of even for a playa. The tan did have some help from those boat keys in his hand, which could explain the discrepancies in his game. If this were playa school his grade would now hinge on what type of boat those keys match. If it's a dingy then it's astonishing they're even talking to him but if it's mega yacht then his performance is less than miserable. I don't know if you've ever seen a rap video, but mega yachts never leave port without at least 15 bikini clad women.
Nice Tan Playa
I always say that the best thing to make your face look good is to apply makeup with your eyes closed. This girl obviously followed my advice, which is why I know that this is a makeup fail. Why would anyone ever take my advice, I can't do anything right. Yeah, ask the guy that never knows what he's doing for advice. That's exactly what NASA does when they have a problem with their rockets, they call me. Then I always respond with ''What am I, some sorta rocket scientist'? The lesson is this, never take advice from someone you haven't seen do what you're trying learn. The only problem with that is you'll never find an acting teacher or learn to become an internet millionaire, because people only do that if they can't do what they're trying to teach.
Makeup Fail