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These Tanners Like My Website

We've been over this a hundred times, they're not holding up the peace sign anymore they're holding up the Way2Tan symbol. I can't help it if I'm huge in Japan, and it's not that I'm 6 feet 4 inches tall, the Japanese love crazy stuff like the pictures seen here on their favorite site. In total I get about 4 views a day from the entire Asian region, take that Google, who's the #1 website on the planet now? There's only like 17 people in India, China, and Japan combined, so my 4 viewers, these 2 included, make up roughly half of the entire Eastern population. Even though I'm looking in a mirror it's refreshing to see someone so modest about their success, so bashful in the spotlight, so humble it's almost painful to watch. Let's hope I don't get to 8 Asian viewers, my ego might explode.


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She spent all that money on her new tan and they won't even let her be in the foreground of the picture, oh no they didn't. You know how school pictures always go tallest in the back and shortest in the front, while you should put the tan people in the front of photos because if they're not the center of attention they tend to get angry. And you won't like them when they're angry. They tend to get all whiny and start acting out after the attention shifts off of them. It starts with heavy sarcasm, then level 2 is when they speak in a higher pitched voice, and our tanner is at level 3 with physical displays of anger, and then they hit level 4. You don't want to get to level 4.
Ooh She's Angry
That is one foxy lady, not exactly like the one Jimi Hendrix sang about but more like an actual fox. The horrible orange fake tan wasn't enough for her, she needed to take her look to the next level, and what's cooler than fox whiskers? The answer is nothing, there is absolutely nothing cooler than looking foxy. While maybe you can look a little cooler if you add some flower and heart shaped stickers under your eyes, but why would you need to do that? Maybe she's a foxologist presenting a paper about her work on imitating foxes. That doesn't sound likely, so maybe she's trying to become a new comic book hero that is a mild-mannered accountant by day and a fox enthusiast by night? Skip the comic book, I'm ready to make the movie. I call dibs on the part of Foxy Lady's arch nemesis, Malicious Mongoose.
Foxy Lady
The girl on the right is wearing a cross, so obviously she is a righteous person.  -  Thanks for the post, your analysis of her is spot on, she's definitely righteous. The question is why can't someone with the power of the holy spirit convince her friend with tanorexia to eat something other than leaves? Just to clarify here I'm talking about salads when I say leaves because that's what they are. My diet consists solely of the tippy top of the food pyramid, since that's where the best stuff is, that's why it got top billing? Maybe she's so skinny because she has messed up taste receptors, I got this one. The power of taste compels you!
Tanorexia
I've always wondered what goes on behind the scenes at a female bodybuilding competition, mainly because a fight could break out at any moment. Experience has shown me that if you put women in a room for long enough you'll eventually get a fight. Now if those same women happen to be steroid users you'd have all the ingredients for a brawl. At this point there is only 1 defense possible, a wig. When girls fight there is always hair pulling, and do you know what these muscly ladies would do to each other's follicles? It would be disastrous. The female bodybuilding circuit probably accounts for most, if not all, female hair transplants. Throw in spray tans and they're practically lifting the entire economy with their huge muscles.
Behind the Scenes

Super Swimsuit Self Shot

Allowing alliteration aside, what we've got here is a girl with bad swimsuit tan lines taking a self protrait. She probably this set as the desktop wallpaper on her computer so that she remembers to wear sunscreen next time she's at the beach. I know, you get all excited to feel the sand under your feet, the wind in your hair, and the hopelessness of building a sandcastle within the reach of the tide, but you need to slow down and pack your bag right. You'll need some sunscreen, your car keys, a sand shovel, a bucket, an umbrella, a lawn chair, and oh yeah, don't forget to bring a towel.


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This photo could easily jumpstart my newest imaginary hit sitcom. It's about a really pale girl that becomes roommates with an extremely tan girl and the hijinks that ensue. Or it could be about a pair of identical twins that want to experiment being different so one of them dyes her hair and spray tans. It might even revolve around the workers at a tanning salon and all the drama that goes with that, I haven't decided yet. What I have decided is that it will definitely star Jennifer Aniston because anything with her in it will undoubtably be a hit. Maybe I'll throw in Sandra Bullock so I can kill her character off in the pilot just because I can. Sorry, spoiler alert!
Polar Opposites
I just can't put my finger on what it is about this woman that makes me think she's fake. It can't be her tan, because that is totally natural, it's definitely not her lips, because they're just like normal lips, and there's no way her eyebrows could be drawn on with a sharpie. I guess I'm just as surprised as she is that I can't figure her all natural look out.
Something about her face looks fake
Allowing alliteration aside, what we've got here is a girl with bad swimsuit tan lines taking a self protrait. She probably  this set as the desktop wallpaper on her computer so that she remembers to wear sunscreen next time she's at the beach. I know, you get all excited to feel the sand under your feet, the wind in your hair, and the hopelessness of building a sandcastle within the reach of the tide, but you need to slow down and pack your bag right. You'll need some sunscreen, your car keys, a sand shovel, a bucket, an umbrella, a lawn chair, and oh yeah, don't forget to bring a towel.
Super Swimsuit Self Shot
Third from the left looks like he's unsure of something so let me guess, it's his incomplete spray tan, the semi-nude dudes in close proximity, or maybe he's remembering that the four of them shared a single twin bed last night. Oh, now I remember that the spray tan on his forehead was wiped off during their pillow fight. How could I forget that? No seriously tell me, I need to forget it.
Having second thoughts about the tan?

Lucie Bergeron has Muscles and a Spray Tan

That's pronounced Mrs. Muscles for everyone that doesn't want to offend her, which includes me. What can I possibly say about a woman that can beat me up, she's got a nice tan, her poses are perfect, those muscles are well defined, and I'm sure she will win all the female bodybuilding competitions she enters. Her competitors don't stand a chance. Not only do they not have the lats, quads, calves, or biceps that Lucie does, but they don't take as many steroids either. I'm just guessing that Lucie Bergeron takes steroids because how could she get those huge muscles without them? I'm sure whatever urine she gives the drug testers comes out negative for steroids, but I've seen her training schedule and there's definitely no penciled in appointments for 'steriod shots', wink wink.


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One look at this guy and I know he does't have a single subscription to any fashion magazine. Even without a monthly reminder he should know that see through shirts are only for members of Right Said Fred. He would also know that two tone hair went out of style before anyone thought of it, and his sweet mohawk can't even change that. The worst fashion faux pas that he made is still the orange spray tan. I really want to quote Top Gun and say that his ego is writing checks his body can't cash, but I think he's pulling it off. Don't get me wrong, I still think every part of this look is hideous, but when he put it all together it becomes so ridiculous it works. Someone who actually knows fashion can back me up on this. Probably not.
Now That's a Bad Spray Tan!
I don't know which one of those Real Housewives shows this woman is from, but I know she's on one of them. Her look just screams rich housewife. I'm still surprised people find those shows interesting, all the housewives do all day is chit chat behind each others' backs and make up drama, half an episode of that stuff was my limit. Nobody wants to watch rich women make huge deals out of their imaginary problems, I'd much rather watch them fight it out. Give them gloves and throw them in a ring and you've got something I'd watch. Better yet, throw them in a ring with Mike Tyson because I'd pay to see that. It's not like they've got to worry about brain damage.
Real Housewives Fake Tan
The executives responsible for this kit decided to market it exclusively to New Jersey. Actually, I have no idea who gave this idea the thumbs up in the first place. I mean come on, the little girl in the ad looks like she belongs at the bus stop between Sunoco and the 7-11. The next thing you know you'll be buying the My First Meth Addict kit and My Little Crack Rock for her as well.
My little streetwalker makeup kit
Wow, can I even explain how this is stupid on so many levels? It's bad parenting because well, if you don't know already you're a horrible parent, and let's face it, it's an extremely irresponsible idea all around. I know, let's take our kids and give them some nice orange spray tans, then we'll parade them around on stage and call it a pageant. This whole idea is about as stupid as they come. Nobody even watches these pageants anyway, the only people in the audience are the parents of the kid being forced to compete. Oh, I forgot the one other type of person at these pageants, these people are there for a slightly different reason. Even though they have no kids in the pageant they just want to watch the children compete for their own sick amusement, and then they declare the winner because they're the judges. Why, who'd you think I was talking about?
Bad Parenting

Justin Bieber With a Fake Tan

Baby Baby Baby oh, Justin Bieber finally decided to do something about his pale complexion, now he'll have even more tween girls after him. You can't deny that the Biebs was a heartthrob back when he was pale, but now that he's got a sexy tan he'll have at least 17 baby mama's coming forward each year. It also looks like he's bulked up, he must be hitting the gym because he's realized that once he loses that high-pitched voice he needs something else to attract those tweenage fans. I hope he knows that he can't keep this up forever, pretty soon he needs to break into acting or settle down and enjoy his massive pile of money. I've got a romantic comedy script that's perfect for your big screen debut Biebs, hit me up when you're ready. Oh sorry, I already cast Adam Sandler.


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Now that's a dark tan, completely unnatural though, just look at his hands. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy didn't just dip himself into a bathtub full of fake tanner. That woman better be careful to keep all that tanner from rubbing off on her if she wants to continue being as pale as a ghost. Actually, everyone else in the picture is really pale, he must've used some voodoo magic and stole their tans.
Super dark spray tan
When one of your facebook friends throws up a profile picture like this you should really consider defriending her. It's not enough that she has to flaunt her too tan face on your friends list, but now she's throwing the twins out there for your potential employers to see. You know who's friends with someone like this, people that are unemployed that's who. You need to cut the chain holding this anchor to your facebook account and sail free of bombardment with leathery skinned updates and requests to join a game that plain sucks. Once you defriend all the girls with fake tans like hers you can get to work defriending all the people you never talked to in highschool. Then you'll realize there's nothing cool about facebook and get where the real party is, google+. Ha ha, google+, what a joke.
Time to Defriend Her
This is how you win a beauty pageant, first you need to get the perfect outfit, coordinate the colors on all your accessories, and then top it off with the perfect spray tan. I've won quite a few beauty pageants in my day, and the one common denominator was preparation. If you walk in there after waking up 30 minutes before it starts you're not going to get to the swimsuit round, but if you hire a private eye to investigate the judges and you're practically guaranteed to win. Winning a pageant is all about leverage, the judges won't care if this girl has a perfect spray tan when they're worried I'll expose their secrets. That's often the reason I win female pageants as a man. Not to mention I'm fabulous!
Perfect Spray Tan
Of course there's gonna be fans sending in pictures when I'm famous, I eventually want to have a stalker or two, but I didn't think it would be so soon. The orange tans and holding up the #2 is a dead giveaway they're fans. If I've already got fans sending in pictures I need to up my game in the stalker department. I should probably start looking at some resumes and working out a schedule with potential stalkers. Of course I'll know who my stalkers are, how could I miss being followed around by bright orange people like these two? Ugh, that means I need to work on my autograph since I'm pretty sure nobody collects scribbles.
Some Way2Tan Fans!