FeedFacebookTwitter©2012 Way2TanWay2Tan guy is an orange that got too tan and is now angry about it

Going for the Gold

I actually like his spray tan, mainly because it's so obvious that you know he went overboard on purpose. He didn't try to get a tiny bit tan and look normal, he went full blast and played for the win. Of course in this case winning is looking ridiculously stupid, but I like his style. It must take some serious courage to walk around getting laughed at all the time, but this guy accomplished his dream of being super tan and we should respect him. Right after we offer to pay for his psych evaluation.

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That man right there has the greatest tan I've ever seen. I hope that one day I might be lucky enough to sport such a magnificent skin tone. It's most definitely not fake at all, he only used some baby oil to make it glisten naturally like that. Look at those abs, the symmetry is astounding, the way those massive arms bulge so perfectly compliments his well defined legs. This might just be the most attractive man to ever walk this earth. I don't think I can do this anymore, I'm begging you please don't shatter my spine with your huge muscles, I have to say this. Your tan is completely fake, your head is out of proportion with your body, you have absolutely no neck what-so-ever, and can't you find a better way to show off your legs than by wearing a thong?
Please Don't Hurt Me!
This had better be for a costume contest, and if it was I hope they won because how guido they are right now is completely ridiculous. It's like they took the very essence of what it means to be guido and concentrated it so much I'm amazed they haven't exploded yet. If there are any aspiring guidos out there you should stop aspiring, but if you can't these two should be your role models. I've only ever seen this much guido spread out over a group of 6 or 7 people. If this is a sign of things to come maybe this really is the end of the world.
Super Guidos
This man fell asleep on the beach with his arm on his stomach and created an unintentional sunburn tattoo. He's also pretty red so I'll assume he didn't wear any sunscreen and his friends didn't wake him up. This should be a warning to everyone out there that thinks they can fall asleep in the sand and wake up with a perfect tan, it's not all fun and games, good tanning is hard work.
His sunburn deserves a hand
Some people don't possess the ability to tan and instead just go through varying degrees of sunburn until they return to their normal pale complexion. I think she might be one of them because her 'tan' doesn't look like it's going to stay that way. This is exactly why someone invented spray tanning, so everyone can enjoy tan skin. Without spray tanning, this woman would have no other option than to look like this all the time. My recommendation to her is to learn how to spray tan correctly and forgo the natural approach if you're just going to look like this. Wow, did I just suggest spray tanning? I'm gonna end this one before I go too far and suggest she become a guidette.
She Can Thank Genetics

It's a Double Date

You can already tell which two make up each couple can't you. Of course the girl in the red is with the shorter guy and the tall guy is with the woman in purple. It's obvious isn't it, they each did the couples tanning day at their local salon, but you only get to choose one shade for the couple. Unluckily for shawty, his lady got to pick the color of their skin. Excuse my language there, I'm taking this hip-hop english class at the community college. The worst part is the spelling tests, they're hard fo-rizzle.

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Perfect! Now I can finally see exactly what I'm going to look like when I get my spray tan.  Is that dark really the best you got? C'mon guys, I know you can tan people much darker than that so stop holding out on me. Oh I see, I've gotta go off menu if I want something really outrageous. Most people probably only want medium or light so they've kept it simple to keep from overwhelming them. Notable off menu tans include the 'bodybuilder': 3 darks and a light, the 'beach bum': 2 mediums, and the 'tantastic': one of each basic menu tan. You might think it's cool to order off the secret menu but it's not. Stick to the menu or you'll look stupid.
Spray Tan Chart
Ok, whoever tried to trick me by putting a woman's face on this bodybuilders body can just give it up because I'm not buying it. There's no way that's a woman, I wonder if female bodybuilders ever get 'checked' to make sure they are in the right category? I've seen Mulan, and Mulan 2, so you're not going to fool me with a gender switcheroo. I'm a bit of an expert on the subject because I've also seen Big Momma's House, Mrs. Doubtfire, White Chicks, Sorority Boys, and She's The Man. I really don't care whether or not she wins the trophy for the bodybuilding contest, but I call dibs on the movie rights.
A Female Bodybuilder?
Recently people have been all up in her business telling her that she should stop tanning to protect her skin but I don't think it's having any effect. She's had that tan since before anyone knew about Y2K so I doubt she'd give it up that easily. They act like it's no big deal but do you know how hard it is to maintain a perpetual tan for over 12 years? Tons and tons of work has gone into it and I doubt any dermatologist could persuade her to let it all go to waste. She'll have that tan until she dies, and even afterwards there's a plan in place with a museum to preserve her tan for all eternity.  Isn't that the dream of all tanners?
She's Had That Tan A Long Time
I've seen a lot of natural tans over my career and I think this might be one of the worst. He will probably live through this as those don't have the telltale signs of fatal tan line syndrome, but don't get your hopes up because he's not out of the woods yet. Actually the woods seems like a pretty good place to be compared to where he is so I think he's in the desert. In the woods you've got shade and maybe a creek for water, in the desert you've got nothing. Maybe that's exactly what he needs though? If he gets lost while shirtless in the desert for a few days those tan lines could disappear completely. Talk about a silver lining.
It Doesn't Look Good

You're Pale Under Your Hair Too

I'd bet he wasn't expecting this when he decided to shave his cornrows. You never really think about how your head is tanning until you see it, but I'm sure most people have pale scalps. I would really like to see one of those tanning obsessed girls shave their heads, it'd look like they were wearing a white swim cap. I'm pretty sure that there's no way to avoid it either, but I've never researched how to tan your scalp before. To the Batcave! Alfred, stock up on Hot Pockets, I've got research to attend to.

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Here we can see a perfect example of Kim Kardashian showing off her fashion prowess with an orange fake tan, but that's not really why I've used this picture. I've finally succumbed to my incessant urge to make fun of Kim Kardashian. I'm just sorry for the dude that got married to her, not because of anything to do with the marriage but because he was born without a brain. They say it takes two to tango, so let's not forget Kim's part in this. I know I know, she designs shoes, purses, makeup, she's really good at generating publicity and making money for getting married, but I want to see some medical proof that she isn't brain dead. While we're at the hospital we can order tests on all of her followers too, those should be some of the most unimpressive brain scans since the Jersey Shore cast was tested.
Kim Kardashian Fake Tans
This girl is extremely thrifty and, depending on your opinion, quite intelligent. She figured out that she'd been overpaying for light colored eyeliner for years while she should've been fake tanning her entire body and leaving the area around her eyes white. It's a brilliant plan in theory but the execution is where it fell apart. Yes, her eyes do have the exact same appearance as they do with the expensive makeup, but the rest of her body doesn't. In her quest for savings she forgot about the real important stuff. Just because it's cheaper doesn't mean it's the best option. I learned that lesson from 30 cents a box macaroni.
Natural Eye Liner
I always say that the best thing to make your face look good is to apply makeup with your eyes closed. This girl obviously followed my advice, which is why I know that this is a makeup fail. Why would anyone ever take my advice, I can't do anything right. Yeah, ask the guy that never knows what he's doing for advice. That's exactly what NASA does when they have a problem with their rockets, they call me. Then I always respond with ''What am I, some sorta rocket scientist'? The lesson is this, never take advice from someone you haven't seen do what you're trying learn. The only problem with that is you'll never find an acting teacher or learn to become an internet millionaire, because people only do that if they can't do what they're trying to teach.
Makeup Fail
Did you know that a sunburned scalp is the fourth largest killer of motorcycle club members? First place obviously goes to motorcycle crashes, it is a motorcycle club after all. In second place is heart disease, it's usually number one but I think this is a testament to the heart-healthy vegetarian diet most motorcyclists enjoy. Rounding out the top three is acute lead poisoning, also known as a gunshot wound. Fourth is a sunburned scalp, so if you're a biker I would suggest wearing a helmet to keep the dangerous sun off your head while you ride. I've got a tip to help you out in the gunshot department too. Stop talking about your vegetarian diet and maybe people won't be so tempted to shoot you.
Sunburned Scalp

He's Mad About His Botox

You might not be able to tell under that flawless tan, but he's really mad at his doctor after the botox injections he got completely paralyzed his face. The injections are normally supposed to paralyze some of his facial muscles, but the doctor's hand slipped while performing the procedure and well, you see the results. I hope he's up to date on his malpractice insurance because this dudes going to win a multimillion dollar lawsuit, just like that girl did when he messed up her boob job. Man, that doctor can't catch a break.

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If they were actually twins it might explain the rare skin condition that's on their faces. But alas, they're only BFF's, which almost proves their bad tans were intentional. Sure, they could've met each other in a support group for people with Clowns Disease, which is my newly discovered disease for people that mess up their faces with makeup, sounds real doesn't it. What happened after their fateful meeting was nothing short of miraculous. They exchanged phone numbers and started texting back and forth with random letters, TTYL, BBQ, LOL, AFK, LIC. While it's no miracle that they became friends, it's a certifiable miracle that they could understand each others text-speak. I checked with the Pope, it is.
Bad Tan Twins
This surely took tons of work to pull off. First of all, he had to cover his body with some sort of stickers to cover the pale parts from the sun. Second, he had to spend hours upon hours outside wearing those body stickers. He either did that or, with little effort, stickered himself up and spray tanned. He probably did the second option, but it still looks really cool. Me, I just wear a watch and when I see the tan lines I say I was going for a watch tattoo from the start. I really wasn't, but try to prove it. I'm also really good at the shoe tattoo.
Tan tattoos are cool
Ok, first off I've never been to a full on rave before so everything that follows is purely speculation. Standard rave gear is bright colored clothing and glow sticks, lots of glow sticks. She took the bright colored clothing to the next level with her orange tan. I'd also assume, since it's a rave after all, that everyone is on some sort of drug. Not only that, but the drugs have cool abbreviations and multiple street names that could confuse a pharmacist. What does all this add up to, it adds up to a bunch of brightly colored people spastically flailing about in a drug fueled haze. I feel like every rave could be summed up the same way. It was awesome, there were all these bright colors moving fast.
Bright Colors Moving Fast
They bought their costumes as a set, but it wasn't too hard to choose who wore what. When you've got a tan like she does the costume choice was clear. Her as a vampire wouldn't be believable, and either of her friends could never pull off the Princess Jasmine look. Why can't they pull it off? I believe the politically correct way to phrase it is that they're too white. That brings me to the number one rule of costumes, choose something you resemble. When planning a costume you need to work with what you've got, and if that doesn't work you can always spray tan. How do you think I managed to pull off the Princess Jasmine costume last October?
Good Costume Choice