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Going for the Gold

I actually like his spray tan, mainly because it's so obvious that you know he went overboard on purpose. He didn't try to get a tiny bit tan and look normal, he went full blast and played for the win. Of course in this case winning is looking ridiculously stupid, but I like his style. It must take some serious courage to walk around getting laughed at all the time, but this guy accomplished his dream of being super tan and we should respect him. Right after we offer to pay for his psych evaluation.


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This girl decided to apply her fake tanner in the dark because she obviously missed a few spots on her face. Like I always say, the only thing worse than a fake tan is a badly applied fake tan. She might want to spend less time practicing her duck face and learn how to get her tan on.
Her Face Looks Splotchy
Ok, whoever tried to trick me by putting a woman's face on this bodybuilders body can just give it up because I'm not buying it. There's no way that's a woman, I wonder if female bodybuilders ever get 'checked' to make sure they are in the right category? I've seen Mulan, and Mulan 2, so you're not going to fool me with a gender switcheroo. I'm a bit of an expert on the subject because I've also seen Big Momma's House, Mrs. Doubtfire, White Chicks, Sorority Boys, and She's The Man. I really don't care whether or not she wins the trophy for the bodybuilding contest, but I call dibs on the movie rights.
A Female Bodybuilder?
Wow those tan lines suck, but as a Dr. I know there's nothing I can do to help him other than prescribe some morphine to dull the pain. Look at how his tan morphs from a tan into a sunburn as it goes up his arms, no wonder he needs the pain killers. I haven't seen anything so bad since I watched the Dr. Oz show that one time, who ever though that would make a good show? On the bright side his tan lines show the surgeons exactly where to amputate to keep the sunburn from spreading to his lymph nodes which would be really bad, trust the doctor on this one. It's a good thing he's spent so much time on a bike, I'm pretty sure that experience on a bike transfers to wheelchairs, so he should have no problem getting around after the operation. That's the good news, the bad news is that he'll never win a game of rock, paper, scissors ever again.
Sorry About The Tan Lines Dude
The executives responsible for this kit decided to market it exclusively to New Jersey. Actually, I have no idea who gave this idea the thumbs up in the first place. I mean come on, the little girl in the ad looks like she belongs at the bus stop between Sunoco and the 7-11. The next thing you know you'll be buying the My First Meth Addict kit and My Little Crack Rock for her as well.
My little streetwalker makeup kit

It's a Double Date

You can already tell which two make up each couple can't you. Of course the girl in the red is with the shorter guy and the tall guy is with the woman in purple. It's obvious isn't it, they each did the couples tanning day at their local salon, but you only get to choose one shade for the couple. Unluckily for shawty, his lady got to pick the color of their skin. Excuse my language there, I'm taking this hip-hop english class at the community college. The worst part is the spelling tests, they're hard fo-rizzle.


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As a prominent fashion designer that has designed everything from rubber band bracelets to paperclip earrings I know that the key to a good sleepwear look is the model. The clothing is pretty much always a sack of fabric so there's really nothing special about it, which is why you need to find the perfect model to wear it and make it look better. This designer is going to be showcasing his sleepwear in a homeless shelter pretty soon if this is the best he's got. It's all about the face, and hers looks like a 7-year-old was practicing their makeup skills after a 3-year-old applied a fake tan. Next time he should at least pay extra for a tween makeup artist. It's like 5 bucks and apparently they know everything.
Sleepwear Model
Found this on Craigslist and thought you might like it. - Thanks for the picture, but you left so many unanswered questions! First and foremost, what section was it in? I could see this being part of her resume for a job posting or she could be modeling the clothes or jewelry to make them sell. Still, why would you use this picture if you want to make the stuff look good? Got it! The only reason someone would respond to her ad is to meet her and see if she actually looks like this. They should probably meet in a public place for safety, like a motel or something. I bet she looks even more ridiculous in person.
Found On Craigslist
Don't tell me that's not Ben Affleck with an orange tan, you'll just make yourself look stupid. I wonder why he decided to get the orange fake tan, maybe it's for a new movie where he plays a guido who's secretly albino? I don't know why he got the tan but what I do know is that the movie will suck. I've seen exactly 3 movies starring Ben Affleck, and guess what they had in common, they all sucked. While watching Daredevil I wished I was blind so I wouldn't have to see anymore of it. Don't worry I learn from my mistakes, 3 strikes and you're out Mr. Affleck.
Ben Affleck Tan
Her hat says 'Rich Girl' but her terrible tan says 'Poor as dirt'. I don't know who to believe, that bling looks very shiny, but her tan takes the attention to detail a Burger King worker has when messing up my order. If she is rich, she should protect her assets instead of waving them around all willy nilly. She needs to guard her money, play her cards close to her chest, and tighten up her finances. In other words, she needs to buy a better bra.
A Poor Girls Tan

You're Pale Under Your Hair Too

I'd bet he wasn't expecting this when he decided to shave his cornrows. You never really think about how your head is tanning until you see it, but I'm sure most people have pale scalps. I would really like to see one of those tanning obsessed girls shave their heads, it'd look like they were wearing a white swim cap. I'm pretty sure that there's no way to avoid it either, but I've never researched how to tan your scalp before. To the Batcave! Alfred, stock up on Hot Pockets, I've got research to attend to.


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This photograph might be one of my favorites because there's just so much going on. The woman's face looks photoshopped onto her body, the guy has a goofy smile, a sleeveless collared shirt and a tan that could only be gotten by standing on the sun.
Bodybuilders Can Tan Too
There's only 2 reasons to wear a one piece swimsuit, either it's mandatory or you're going for speed. I can't be sure but I'd like to think that these tan lines were received in the line of duty while preventing drownings in the six foot deep end of a local swimming pool. She could be using that suit for speed, but my forensic tanology report suggests that tan lines this pronounced are from long periods of inactivity. It's a perfect match for a local swimming pool because that would be the lowest amount of action a lifeguard could see. Oh no, someone's drowning! She better remind them to stand up quickly before natural selection takes over.
Lifeguard Tan Lines
I wonder how she got her face to look so smooth, it's almost like she's figured out how to use a drape steamer on her face. My drapes never look that wrinkle free, I must know her secret. She should start selling her wrinkle fighting secrets to women and pug owners, both groups would easily pay 3 payments of 17.50 to learn her patented secrets. I figured out why she's so wrinkle free, she's a robotic fake girl. It makes perfect sense because Japan's robotic industry has made huge advances in the last few years. Looks like they finally created a couple robots that look like they could be real girls. Unfortunately I know how this ends, I've seen Terminator 3. Get to your underground mountain base before these robots set off nukes everywhere! This better not be another false alarm, that would be the fourth one this year. I can't afford to keep driving back and forth to the mountains, especially with gas over $3.
These Girls Look Really Fake
On first glance this looks just like any other leg tanline where one part is dark and the other is light, but this one is reversed. Normally the light part is the upper leg because it is often covered by shorts while the lower leg becomes darker since it's exposed more often. I wonder how you would even manage to get tan lines like this, did she wear knee high socks and a bikini? That can't be it because she also got some sock tan lines too. How did she manage to keep her calves pale while tanning her ankles and upper thighs? Forget the Mayan calendar, this is the biggest mystery of the year. Normally this is where I call myself Sherlock Holmes and determine the cause of her tan lines, but I got nothing. That's why I've got an assistant, get to the bottom of this Watson.
Reverse Leg Tanline

He's Mad About His Botox

You might not be able to tell under that flawless tan, but he's really mad at his doctor after the botox injections he got completely paralyzed his face. The injections are normally supposed to paralyze some of his facial muscles, but the doctor's hand slipped while performing the procedure and well, you see the results. I hope he's up to date on his malpractice insurance because this dudes going to win a multimillion dollar lawsuit, just like that girl did when he messed up her boob job. Man, that doctor can't catch a break.


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He was laying outside trying to get a nice natural tan when a plane carrying a shipment of tanning lotion accidentally unloaded it's contents 30,000 feet above him because the pilot had been drinking heavily and mixing prescriptions. The shipment of lotion fell from the sky and crash landed right next to him and the explosion sent fake tanner flying everywhere, including his face, and that's how he got the worlds first all natural fake tan. I don't think he would do that on purpose, so my story must be true.
An all natural fake tan
I thought I found the solution to this problem a couple days ago but apparently biking naked doesn't apply to running. My heart goes out to all those runners still suffering from tan lines and I want them to know I'm working furiously on a cure. I won't rest until running tan lines are no more and I've been awarded the Nobel Prize. In reality I'll probably rest before I even get started since I'm so lazy, but sometimes laziness has it's benefits. If we carry the 0, divide by 17, and fudge the math it should work. Eureka! Seems the solution for bike tan lines can be adapted to running. All you have to do is convert biking naked to running naked and voila. What a shame I solved it first, he was a bikini bottom away from the cure.
Nice Shorts
It's hard to imagine getting a good tan in winter, but apparently this guy's been skiing so much he managed to do it. The downside is that he was wearing goggles the entire time causing those humiliating tan lines. It's even funnier because it's winter, there's no quick way to tan the rest of his face. His only other option is going to involve a fake tanner, and trying to match skin tones with that is near impossible so he's going to look like a raccoon all winter.
Ski goggle tan
Who wears a v-neck while fishing, you always go with the Hawaiian shirt, this dudes obviously a rookie when it comes to angling. Look at those wimpy fish, no professional fisher would even think to display those guppies. This guy doesn't know the first thing about fishing, but I'll teach him since I'm the expert. Step 1, always bring beer, the more the merrier. Step 2, worms, lots of 'em. Step 3, fish, make sure there's fish in the water. Step 4, politely convince said fish to join you for a beer. Step 5, now that the fish can't breathe, stab it in the gills. Step 6, repeat until you're out of beer or your morals tell you not to betray any more fish.
He Caught Some Tan Lines