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Tan Albino

Spent all summer next to a pool, in and out of tanning beds, and now that is something to brag about when your an Albino! - Thanks for the picture, I'm sure you've got the DNA test to prove it but I'm still sorta skeptical because she doesn't look albino. It's probably because of all the work she did on her tan over the summer. I know people like to say they gave 110% but she really did. She spent all day in the sun by a pool, which is 100%, and then went into tanning beds at night to get the extra 10%. Impressive. That takes a whole lot of hard work, dedication, and hopefully tube after tube of sunscreen. What a shame the winter will cause her albinism to return. It's a vicious cycle.


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For those of you that don't know, the video gamer's tan is when you're completely pale from countless hours spent indoors playing video games. This is a fine example of the dichotomy plaguing todays youth, either you've got an orange guido spray tan or you're like this kid. Averagely tan America is disappearing faster than the middle class. The worst part is that I don't know which side to join, should I become a guido or a gamer? Actually I think I'll be fighting for the resistance, like Brad Pitt in Fight Club but with better abs.
The Video Gamer's Tan
Uh, maybe you should've thought less about the design on your back and more about protecting yourself from the sun? The flag parts that aren't burned means he had sunscreen available, used some to make the flag, and chose to leave the rest of his body uncovered for a burn. I've got an idea, why not sunscreen all of your body and leave the flag parts to burn? That would be smart, but if he was thinking this through he would realize the flag has more than 4 stars and 7 stripes. I had to consult the USA flag site to learn that the proper disposal of a flag unfit to represent the country is by burning. At least he got that part right.
A Patriotic Sunburn
This photo looks like it was taken somewhere near the beach judging from the amount of sand, so why does this person have super pale feet? If you have regular access to a beach you should never have feet this pale, especially when your legs look so dark. Also, what were you thinking painting your toenails pink, like that's going to distract anyone from the blinding glare from your white feet. She obviously has some nice tanning genetics, so it probably wouldn't take that long to tan them to a reasonable darkness. You don't need to go for a prefect skin tone match, just get them in the same realm of color as your legs and you'll be fine. I know, easier said than done.
Super Pale Feet
Right here, this is why you need to check yo self before you wreck yo self. People always think about the immediate pain of snapping your knee in half doing some stupid rail grind on a BMX bike, but they never think about the pain their tan has to endure too. First there's the cast and month after month of no sunlight to almost your entire leg. Then there's the brace which allows just enough light to completely sunburn the exposed areas that got no sun in the cast. This causes hideous leg brace tan lines that won't go away until you've stopped wearing the brace, that'll be about a year. Then, just as your tan is about to make a full recovery the cycle starts all over again with 5 words. Bet you can't jump that.
Leg Brace Tan Lines

It's Not The Worst Spray Tan

So it appears everyone gets spray tans for their prom now, well at least everyone I've seen. Based on why I'm receiving these pictures that may be a biased sample, but I'm sticking with my conclusion. After seeing some pretty bad prom spray tans this one is tame in comparison, if somebody didn't tell me I never would've guessed. I guess the trick is to not get your first spray tan right before prom because practice makes perfect. Speaking of practice, that girl on the left could really use some time in front of a mirror to get this face right. Or maybe she was going for the deer in headlights look, I don't know.


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This man fell asleep on the beach with his arm on his stomach and created an unintentional sunburn tattoo. He's also pretty red so I'll assume he didn't wear any sunscreen and his friends didn't wake him up. This should be a warning to everyone out there that thinks they can fall asleep in the sand and wake up with a perfect tan, it's not all fun and games, good tanning is hard work.
His sunburn deserves a hand
Those two girls don't look all that happy that they are forced to hang out with that extremely tan guy. I have to give him credit for how even his tan is, but I don't think it's helping with those girls. That one girl looks almost scared of his tan.
They Don't Look Too Thrilled
The girl on the right can still hang out around tanning beds, but the other one needs to respect the restraining order that keeps her from getting within 200 feet of a tanning bed. Their relationship wasn't always this dysfunctional, in the early days they spent about 10 minutes together 3 times a week, but then she went absolutely crazy. She started thinking that the tanning bed had been seeing other girls, which it was but that's not the point. So she started stalking it, and when she caught another naked girl in the bed and lost it. She eventually calmed down and moved on with a similar model at another salon, but that ended the same way. So now she's banned for life which proves that tanning beds need their space.
Leave That Tanning Bed Alone!
Great, that's the third time I'm gonna have to reupholster it this month. It seems like every single customer has to chill out on it after their appointment. Who knew that putting a light colored couch in a tanning salon would be such a bad idea? I think this time I'll finally wise up and get a nice tan color. If that fails I'm gonna have to steal some plastic furniture covers from my mom. Seriously, who still puts plastic over the 'good' furniture.
Don't Get Your Tan on the Couch!

Sunburns Are Fascinating

Sunburns are like fingerprints, no two are ever the same and the patterns are almost infinite. Take this guy for instance, he has a completely even sunburn over his entire back while his arms are burned on the outside and his inside arms and side are unburned. You might think this would be quite the common pattern given human anatomy but in reality you need massive arm muscles to block the sun from reaching your sides. Without those muscles he would have an uninterrupted sunburn, and eventually a perfect tan, around his entire body. His huge muscles also mean nobody can make fun of him for having pale underarms unless they have even bigger muscles, but that would be a whole pot and kettle situation.


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At least she attempted to tan her face along with the rest of her body. Unfortunately it didn't work out all that well because she wanted to get artistic with it and use a different shade above her chin. I always thought fitness competitions are all about looks, right? Right? You can check the rules again but I'm pretty sure section 7.8c clearly states that the hottest chick wins. So why would you ever screw up your chances of victory by going with a freestyle tan instead of the tried and true one color kind? Ah, she must already have it in the bag via a quid pro quo situation with the judges. She doesn't? It must be blackmail then?
2 Shades
If those same tan lines appeared on that child it might be considered child abuse. Luckily they lock their baby in the basement 23 hours a day so he'll never be exposed to the unforgiving sunlight. From his bib I'd guess he's a fan of Blues Clues, so he probably deduced that his father got that tan by wearing a t-shirt with a ski mask. From there he knows that only criminals wear ski masks and t-shirts, and now he has to choose between turning his daddy over to the cops or joining the family business. I watch Blues Clues too, so I know that his dad is just the frontman for the business, he actually runs it. You're looking at The Godson.
Oh Baby! Look at those tan lines
No that's not tasty ice cream you're seeing there, it's a dude's neck. This is what happens when you try to progress to the deep v from a crew neck before you're ready. You need to practice first, you think all those models look that good in the deep v on their first try? For some it takes years until they can properly make it look effortless. The first step is working your collarbones, because if they don't stand out you're not deep v material. Second you need just the right amount of chest hair but only at the peak of the v, 7 hairs should do it. Lastly you need to accessorize with at least one of the following, unkempt hair, muscles, tattoos, or a guitar. Those are the rules dude, notice that a sunburn isn't included. Remember, practice makes perfect.
Neapolitan
So if you haven't already heard the news, this is now a highly respected news site as I'm about to break a huge story. Banana Boat has just recalled half a million bottles of spray on sunscreen after reports that people have caught fire while applying the product. Whoa, sunscreen doesn't prevent burns? I don't know what to believe anymore. It appears only 5 cases have been reported, and one involved a man standing near a barbecue grill and a woman working with welding equipment. Welding equipment and open flames? I think I'll be fine if I use common sense and don't stand near fires while applying something out of an aerosol can. New proposed warning label: Do not use if you are smokin' hot. Yup, I better stick to lotion.
Spay-On Sunscreen Recall

A Waste of Film

Thanks for the photo, seeing this reminds me how glad I am we're living in the digital age. Before digital cameras were invented this entire process would've been a huge waste of materials. She would've used at least one piece of film on this, probably more for retakes with different faces. Then some trees have to die so she can print it out and show all her friends her photography skills. All in all she would've used precious resources that would eventually wind up in some garbage dump polluting the Earth. However in the digital age she can see the end result instantly and delete it, consuming nothing but time and minimal electricity. At least that should've happened.


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Tough luck, we can't all have the ability to effortlessly get a great tan. For all the small kids out there I'll give a preview of my new children's book for an explanation. You see kids, some people have to be continuously pale so they can make the tan people look better by comparison. Unfortunately those pale people don't realize their role in the circle of life and get super duper jealous of our amazing tans. Sorry, I'd have the illustrations too but I ran out of Outrageous Orange and Mango Tango crayons. Crayons aside she should go mope about being pale somewhere else, people are trying to actually tan over here. And take those sunglasses off, we all know you're ogling her tan.
She's So Jealous
There's a lot of tanning going on in this photo, I'd say it's about a ton. My bad, a ton is about 2000 pounds, there's probably only 400 pounds of tanning in this photo. I didn't even count the 1.5 bottles of sunscreen needed to cover his belly alone. This is how I imagine a person would look if they swallowed a fully inflated beach ball. Luckily the beach ball company is off the hook because they put those stupid 'do not eat' labels on everything. What a shame, if more people put the 'do not eat' labels on things this dude might not be so fat. I don't know why he even bothered pulling up his shorts to tan his upper thighs, it's not like he's ever going to see them. Oh man, I just re-read this and I come off as really mean in this one, just like I intended.
A Ton of Tanning
Still wondering why he's so sad, this guido lost his cross necklace, now how will anyone know he's a guido? Of course he's still got the gelled hair, the fake tan, and the unbuttoned shirt but he really liked that necklace. It was his favorite necklace because it matched the color of his eyes, skin, and hair all at the same time, this guido knew how to accessorize. Now it feels like there's a gaping blank spot right over his heart, he's going to have to retrace his steps and locate it. I wouldn't worry to much because it's probably in either the tanning salon or the gym, and since you took it off for your spray tan so it's probably there. Oh great, now I have to do a followup post about happy guido being reunited with his precious necklace. I was just trying to be helpful and look where it got me.
That is One Sad Guido
We caught him at just the right moment when his tan lines were exposed. He was trying to keep his arms underwater so that nobody would know how tan they are compared to his body. I don't see why somebody who'd swim in nasty lake water would have such a pale body, because if he'll swim in that he'll swim in anything. There's only one explanation left, he's a double agent. He must keep his shirt on to hide his Russian or German tattoos from the American's he's trying to deceive. How do I know he's Russian or German, because all bad guys are from either Germany, Russia, or the Middle East. Don't you watch movies?
Stealth Tan Lines