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He Pulls it Off

Not many kids can get a sunburn all over their body without crying, but this isn't your average kid. No, he's smart enough to realize that his parents' lack of foresight with the sunscreen could play to his advantage. Not many ladies can resist a cute kid, but a cute kid with a sexy tan? He'd be irresistible, how devious! He's accounted for everything, so it would be the perfect plan if not for one small oversight. He's a member of a prestigious club with an ancient list of unbreakable rules. I believe the one that applies here is 'No girls allowed'.

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Look at that tan, everyone around her knows it's completely fake. It just covers too much of her body, a normal tan should have some lighter parts along with some slight tan lines at least. She probably went spray tanning expecting to look natural, maybe slightly better than natural, but what she got is freakish. The least she could do is have some common decency with her tan and not show it off like that, what would her mother think? If you've been reading this you probably realized that I'm not talking entirely about her fake tan, I'm talking of course about the awful pink highlights in her hair, everyone knows they look ridiculous.
What a Tan!
Check out that awesome tan, and just look at that complete lack of a tan. Together they're like a really creepy Yin-Yang symbol. Here's some possible things that he's saying right now. Hey baby (takes off shirt) is it hot in here or is it just me? You can't spell Melanoma without ME. Do you believe in love at first sight or were you blinded by the glare? I'll show you my tan lines if you show me yours. Do you like the Twilight series? That's enough, I don't wanna give away too many of my patented pick-up lines. Alright, one more. You look just like my third World of Warcraft character.
She's Just Not That Into You
Little known fact, smoking is the #1 cause of public service announcements. At least they didn't get pressured into getting bad tans. Don't worry about their health, that's why they have health insurance. Plus, most plans pay for nicotine patches that you can sell online, so they're actually entrepreneurs right now. But remember to say no to drugs kids, except the ones people agree are legal.
Peer pressure sucks!
I'm going to try and make no guesses about this tanners gender. The tan on this subject is incredibly orange and I'm wondering whether or not they asked for the neon color on purpose. Couple that neon glow with the bleached hair and black streak, the painted nails, the eye makeup, and the lip rings and you're left to guess which pronoun is correct. If this was a game show and I had to guess I'd just give up and flip a coin.
He, or She, fake tans

Bright Colors Moving Fast

Ok, first off I've never been to a full on rave before so everything that follows is purely speculation. Standard rave gear is bright colored clothing and glow sticks, lots of glow sticks. She took the bright colored clothing to the next level with her orange tan. I'd also assume, since it's a rave after all, that everyone is on some sort of drug. Not only that, but the drugs have cool abbreviations and multiple street names that could confuse a pharmacist. What does all this add up to, it adds up to a bunch of brightly colored people spastically flailing about in a drug fueled haze. I feel like every rave could be summed up the same way. It was awesome, there were all these bright colors moving fast.

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One girl went for the bright neon orange while the other opted for a more muted shade, too bad they're not even in the right spectrum. The perfect tan is somewhere between these two shades but do yourself a favor and don't try to get there artificially, it almost never works. You know what, I'll post a picture the next time I find a good fake tan. Don't hold your breathe.
2 Shades of Orange
She isn't dead yet, so stop being so sad and start having fun. She hasn't even been diagnosed yet but all her friends know it's only a matter of time until she gets skin cancer so they're having an intervention. Right now she's pretending to be dead so they can hold a fake funeral for her, it's a standard intervention technique. They'll all cry and talk about how much they miss her and how her death could've been prevented if she stopped tanning. Then they'll bury her so she gets the full feeling of what it will be like if she keeps tanning. I've only been to a few interventions but the fear of being buried alive cures almost everybody. The success rate is high but everybody seems to chicken out because it's not 100%. It happened one time!
Don't Mourn Yet
She's going to find herself down the same road as Lady Gaga because once you start trying to one-up yourself in the crazy department it all goes downhill fast. She'll have to get an even darker spray tan along with a few outlandish hats and maybe even a fire shirt. Lady Gaga should totally try the fire shirt idea first to test it out. It's a pretty crazy idea, but she's done pretty much everything else already. Plus it's a win-win for the rest of us because either she pulls it off and looks awesome or she creates the biggest viral video of all time. You see where your life is headed, you need to stop using these crazy looks and fake tans to get attention before you get burned. Anyway, real artists let their work speak for itself.
What a fashion Sense
Back in the day when we wanted to get a tan we walked to the beach fifteen miles uphill both ways. We didn't have none of this spray tan nonsense. We spent countless hours getting tan the good old-fashioned way and it didn't even cost us a nickel. For your information that was a years pay back in the day. We also listened to our elders when they told us not to spend four hundred nickels on a fake tan that will disappear in a week. Even though his style is a bit outdated it's nice to see him take a hands-on approach to instilling manners and respect, but I'm afraid times have changed. Now we use hands-free with bluetooth.
Back In The Day...

Switch Your Socks

Nobody goes with long socks anymore, just more proof that you're not with the times. Because of the increase in tan conscious buyers It's all about socks that stop below the ankle nowadays. I just made up that fact, but it's undeniable that this guy needs some style advice. There only two situations where long socks win over their shorter counterparts. One is during winter, but that's irrelevant if he managed to get tan lines. The other is when you expect to receive cuts or scrapes on your lower legs while hiking through scratchy plants. For that you should really wear plants, so that leaves only one time for longer socks and summer isn't it.

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Thanks for the picture, but I don't think she's really tan enough to be way too tan. Maybe she would look pretty tan if you put her next to a pale person, but in this lighting she looks perfectly normal to me. I've seen so many pictures of tan people my calibrations might be off but I really think her tan falls within the normal range. She could have some tan lines we don't know about, but I'm not the type to make wild accusations so let's assume her legs are completely pale. Now it makes sense.
She's Tan, So What
I was wondering why they were pointing at each others butts when it hit me. He's pointing at her butt because it's probably just as tan as her face and she's pointing at his butt because it isn't there. It's a common problem that a lot of people around the world suffer from and unfortunately our society is superficial enough that there is a cure. What is the condition, it's known as being a double butt amputee or it's medically known as only having a gluteus minimus. Most people have the standard maximus and some even have the gigantus, but a small subset of people are jealous because they have no butt. You know the saying that you always want what you can't have? That's why he's pointing.
So That's Why
They share everything, and not just the usual stuff. Traveling pants, desserts, passwords, and most recently spray tans. What, did you think three girls with the exact same skin tone just happened to befriend each other by accident? I won't say that's impossible because I believe the hype about everything being possible but the odds are about one trillion to one. Now that's a low probability! That means it's more likely that all 3 of them get eaten by a shark while vacationing in Kansas than these being natural tans.
Sharing is Caring
Dare to venture a guess? No, well that's ok because I'll tell you anyways. It's the guy in the middle. It's obviously the dude because he's wearing an American bodybuilding t-shirt, we don't really need to call Sherlock Holmes to solve this one. That girl on the right clearly doesn't have the physique for bodybuilding because her neck is way too small. The girl on the left certainly has the freakish tan you'd expect a bodybuilder to have, but her face is the same color as her body which is a dead giveaway she isn't a bodybuilder. Case closed. Unless the right girl bought him the shirt so he could support her while she competes and she tanned her friend as a test tan? I was wrong, we're gonna need to call Sherlock.
Guess Who the Bodybuilder Is?

Spay-On Sunscreen Recall

So if you haven't already heard the news, this is now a highly respected news site as I'm about to break a huge story. Banana Boat has just recalled half a million bottles of spray on sunscreen after reports that people have caught fire while applying the product. Whoa, sunscreen doesn't prevent burns? I don't know what to believe anymore. It appears only 5 cases have been reported, and one involved a man standing near a barbecue grill and a woman working with welding equipment. Welding equipment and open flames? I think I'll be fine if I use common sense and don't stand near fires while applying something out of an aerosol can. New proposed warning label: Do not use if you are smokin' hot. Yup, I better stick to lotion.

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You might think that these children are having fun showing off their spray tans in various costumes, but it's probably child abuse. I had my lawyer look it up after he finished his online degree this morning, any physical or emotional mistreatment of a child is abuse. It doesn't matter how many winners circles they join or how many Bee Movie souvenirs they get, it's still child abuse to spray tan your kids. Don't even get me started on the pageants, because those are much worse than the spray tanning. I don't even think they would spray tan the kids if it weren't for the pageants, so maybe I should focus on getting the child pageants banned. The crazy pageant moms probably think this hatred of pageants is because I'm jealous I never got to join the winners circle. Well boo hoo for me, it's still child abuse.
It's Probably Child Abuse
Here we can see the duckbill Homo sapien in one of it's two natural habitats, the bathroom. If you want to spot one your best bet is it's other habitat, Facebook. Animal experts have hypothesized that it is obsessed with it's reflection and has an opposable thumb for the sole purpose of snapping photos. Of all the documented cases roughly 95% appear to be female, causing one to wonder why it hasn't become extinct yet. This is one of the rare cases where hunting an endangered species will be encouraged. If you're looking for the right bait to lure one out I'd suggest jello shots.
Her Natural Habitat
If those same tan lines appeared on that child it might be considered child abuse. Luckily they lock their baby in the basement 23 hours a day so he'll never be exposed to the unforgiving sunlight. From his bib I'd guess he's a fan of Blues Clues, so he probably deduced that his father got that tan by wearing a t-shirt with a ski mask. From there he knows that only criminals wear ski masks and t-shirts, and now he has to choose between turning his daddy over to the cops or joining the family business. I watch Blues Clues too, so I know that his dad is just the frontman for the business, he actually runs it. You're looking at The Godson.
Oh Baby! Look at those tan lines
Who really knows why she's holding a bone and doing the duck face. She's got a nice spray tan, which I can tell by the paler rings around her eyes from the goggles. What I can't determine is what kind of animal that bone came from, it could even be human. She could be a murderer that kills tan people and eats them to try and steal their tans since was born an albino, but that might just be from watching too much CSI. Whatever, as a Jr. Detective, I can determine that the only crime she committed was spray tanning without common sense. Book'em Dan-O.
I've got a bone to pick with her tan