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A Black Tie Event?

I've got one word for this, classy. If I had more than one word my statement would include the phrases 'subdued elegance', 'très chic', and 'fancifully lavish'. Unfortunately I don't do fashion advice, fashion critiquing is so passé. Look at that, a little piece of fashion gets in and I'm already so pretentious I used the little accent on the e. Twice! At least I'm not swanky enough to know the shortcut for that, I had to copy and paste it. That brings me back to this lovely lady. It's her first black tie event and I must say she's looking absolutely radiant. Nothing says ostentatious like a see through top and jewel encrusted bra.

I've got one word for this, classy. If I had more than one word my statement would include the phrases 'subdued elegance', 'très chic', and 'fancifully lavish'. Unfortunately I don't do fashion advice, fashion critiquing is so passé. Look at that, a little piece of fashion gets in and I'm already so pretentious I used the little accent on the e. Twice! At least I'm not swanky enough to know the shortcut for that, I had to copy and paste it. That brings me back to this lovely lady. It's her first black tie event and I must say she's looking absolutely radiant. Nothing says ostentatious like a see through top and jewel encrusted bra.


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It almost seems like they're trying to claim that sunscreen will protect you, how crazy is that. Everyone knows that a good sunburn now and then is how you stay healthy. How can you say that your skin is strong if you don't occasionally burn off the weakest skin cells. The sun doesn't only strengthen Superman, go harness it's power for yourself. Go out there and get as burned as you can and feel the sun's strength welling up inside you, or is that the skin cancer.
Cool Sunscreen Ad 		Thanks for the post, I keep forgetting to thank you for all these pictures, sorry. This woman is definitely orange, but I just know somebody's going to complain that it's bad lighting or that she recently ate a bunch of carrots or something stupid like that, so I'll focus more on that dudes shirt. I looked it up and it's around 30 to 60 bucks for that? I feel like I could eat a bunch of Lucky Charms and vomit a better looking shirt than that. With the price of Lucky Charms being like 4 bucks plus the cost of fabric and some cough drops to sooth my throat I still couldn't justify charging that much. I bet Ed uses Trix for his color palette because it has darker blues and truer yellows than LC, that must be why it costs so much.
I Think She's Orange 		He doesn't look that tan, but something seemed 'off' about the coloring of his face so I looked closer. Look right at his upper lip, is it pale or is it just me? I've probably been looking at too many photos of people with bad tans lately but it looks like he has a pale moustache. My eyes must be playing tricks on me but it definitely looks like he's got a slightly pale hairline, so I'm sticking with spray tan on this one. At least he did it right, I can barely tell that he spray tanned unlike most of the people I've seen. This is how you do it, subtlety is key. When you look like an orange person it's way too easy for me to tell, at least this dude made it a challenge.
Is that a Pale Lip? 		Come on guys, take your shoes off every once and a while. What, are you scared of stepping on medical waste at the beach? Maybe it's the broken glass that's at the bottom of most public pools that forces them to wear Aqua Socks all the time. I don't wear Aqua Socks and I've only had my feet impaled once, and it didn't even require stitches. Stop being such babies and live life on the edge. Go skydiving, try white water rafting, run with the bulls, or if you're feeling really crazy you can try drinking from a public water fountain. But whatever you do, please wait 30 minutes to swim after eating, cramps are serious business.
Sweet Sock Tan Lines

Shopping Spree!

All of these women won a shopping spree to various retailers but only one of them was stupid enough to spend the entire spree at a tanning salon. A couple of them decided to hit the salon first thing and get a nice tan before they grabbed everything they could from the rest of the stores, but one of them didn't leave. I don't even know what the other stores were but it shouldn't matter because free stuff always trumps extra tanning. On second thought maybe free stuff isn't always better, but what are the chances they won a shopping spree to a pet rock store?

All of these women won a shopping spree to various retailers but only one of them was stupid enough to spend the entire spree at a tanning salon. A couple of them decided to hit the salon first thing and get a nice tan before they grabbed everything they could from the rest of the stores, but one of them didn't leave. I don't even know what the other stores were but it shouldn't matter because free stuff always trumps extra tanning. On second thought maybe free stuff isn't always better, but what are the chances they won a shopping spree to a pet rock store?


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I don't know why people go swimming while wearing shirts or tank tops, they just get all soggy, cling to your skin and feel weird. This guy decided to wear his tank top while swimming because he didn't want anyone to see his tank top tan lines. I don't think wearing the tank top will really help cover the tan lines you got from it. Wait, he might not even be wearing the shirt at all.
Take that shirt off to swim 		This guys spray tanned face reminds me of that part in Terminator when Arnold Schwarzenegger's face was falling off to reveal he's actually a robot. It's too bad he's not a robot underneath, because when his face falls off he'll just be another pale loser, sorta like that guy on the right. Keep looking to the right and you'll see the hover hand that tanny's giving the pale dude, probably so he doesn't ruin his white shirt with a tanning lotion stain. At least the guy has some common sense.
That's Fake 		The fake tan isn't even that bad. What I'm talking about is those eyelashes that make her eye look like it's drooping. Then there's the gigantic nose diamond with 3 other lip ring things, she needs to learn to edit her look, I don't watch Project Runway for nothing. Look at her teeth, they're all jagged like the serial killer from Red Dragon. What's with her hair, her eyebrows don't match and why would you want gray hair if you can't even join AARP? What can I say about that scarf, it looks nice but it probably covers up her adams apple because this is most likely some guys attempt at cross dressing. Better luck next time dude.
Fix Your Face 		There's only 2 reasons why someone should look like the girl here. Those are 1. you're too poor to afford to badly fake tan your entire body and 2. you're a complete idiot and think that nobody will notice if your 'tan' stops at your chin. I'm leaning towards the second reason in this photo because she doesn't look that poor. She could have at least tanned her face a less noticeable color than Oompa Loompa orange. I should copyright Oompa Loompa Orange and license it to tanning salons worldwide.
She couldn't afford more tanning lotion

Pink

Anybody fancy a guess what her favorite color is? Need a hint? Well, if you knew anything about her it would be an easy one to answer but she's wearing her poker face right now. She likes this color so much that if they made spray tans in colors other than tan she would be their best customer. Why don't they make the full rainbow of colors available in spray tans? Of course orange is pretty outrageous but why can't you spray tan yourself blue or purple, think about the possibilities. You would make millions from Halloween, nutjobs like this, and the government. Imagine if every prisoner had a red spray tan, it'd be pretty easy to spot escapees wouldn't it. I think I finally hit a good idea! Somebody else make it, I'm too lazy.

Anybody fancy a guess what her favorite color is? Need a hint? Well, if you knew anything about her it would be an easy one to answer but she's wearing her poker face right now. She likes this color so much that if they made spray tans in colors other than tan she would be their best customer. Why don't they make the full rainbow of colors available in spray tans? Of course orange is pretty outrageous but why can't you spray tan yourself blue or purple, think about the possibilities. You would make millions from Halloween, nutjobs like this, and the government. Imagine if every prisoner had a red spray tan, it'd be pretty easy to spot escapees wouldn't it. I think I finally hit a good idea! Somebody else make it, I'm too lazy.


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Lindsay Lohan can be seen here wearing her spray tan goatee. Someone should have informed her that to make a spray tan look good, you need to apply it evenly everywhere. I thought with the kind of money she makes she could afford to go tanning on a beach somewhere.
Lindsay Lohan Has a Tan and Dirty Mouth 		The girl on the right is wearing a cross, so obviously she is a righteous person. - Thanks for the post, your analysis of her is spot on, she's definitely righteous. The question is why can't someone with the power of the holy spirit convince her friend with tanorexia to eat something other than leaves? Just to clarify here I'm talking about salads when I say leaves because that's what they are. My diet consists solely of the tippy top of the food pyramid, since that's where the best stuff is, that's why it got top billing? Maybe she's so skinny because she has messed up taste receptors, I got this one. The power of taste compels you!
Tanorexia 		I'm referring to the orange juice carton this girl stepped out of. This tan was made 100% naturally in Florida, that's just where the best oranges come from. Even though they wrote 100% natural on the box, don't think for a second that her tan is completely natural. Check the ingredients, they list tanning lotion, tanning beds, spray tans, and natural flavors. Notice that sunlight doesn't appear anywhere on that list, she's about as natural as a Twinkie.
Not From Concentrate 		What better way to show off your tanning salons work than to sponsor the ring girls for the local Fight Club, they're going to get so much word of mouth from this campaign. Too bad their advertising manager didn't remember the first rule of Fight Club. I think they also let the girls tan a bit too much, the left girl's stomach more than makes my point. Forget the rules of Fight Club, the first rule of advertising for your salon is to make sure the models look good. Not everyone wants the darkest tan possible, so make sure you have models wearing a couple different shades, sort of like a paint swatch. Nobody walks into Home Depot to get a paint swatch of brown, brown, brown, and more brown. The public want a variety of colors with super cool names. You should give them a brown sugar, an orangesicle, a strawberry shortcake, and a white chocolate. Not quite sure how my cookbook relates to tanning, but I can't do all your work for you.
Caribbean Tan Ring Girls

Leave Photo Editing To The Pros

It seems like every girl with a Facebook account will eventually make their pictures look like this. Why? Maybe they feel more like supermodels on the cover of magazines when they throw in a little photoshop magic, but you never see Tyra Banks looking like this. That's not because of the person in the photo, it's because of the editor. If you handed this photo to one of the pros you'd probably hear Tyra talking about how fierce it is instead of showing her to the ANTM exit doors. That's why I have all my paparazzi photos edited before they hit the news. Can't have anyone thinking I'm pregnant after I eat a massive burrito.

It seems like every girl with a Facebook account will eventually make their pictures look like this. Why? Maybe they feel more like supermodels on the cover of magazines when they throw in a little photoshop magic, but you never see Tyra Banks looking like this. That's not because of the person in the photo, it's because of the editor. If you handed this photo to one of the pros you'd probably hear Tyra talking about how fierce it is instead of showing her to the ANTM exit doors. That's why I have all my paparazzi photos edited before they hit the news. Can't have anyone thinking I'm pregnant after I eat a massive burrito.


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That shade of orange is a nice color for her, at the very least it draws attention to whatever that spot is above her lip. Nobody's going to care about some mole on your face when the bigger issue is that your face is completely orange. That's a good call on her part because surgery can get expensive while maintaining an orange tan on your face can seem cheaper if you forget that you'd have to do it forever. She's definitely doing it right, but she will burn through her stash of tanning lotion too quickly if she keeps having to tan her chest too. There's a simple solution to all these problems, get the surgery or stop wearing v-necks. I didn't even consider that the spot might be a piercing, in that case she should just take it out and stop tanning.
Orange Looks Nice on Her 		I've been taking this art class lately and haven't been able to come up with a good idea for my large marble sculpture project, problem solved. I took my inspiration from the other famous marble sculptures such as naked guy, discus man, lady without arms, and thinking dude and based my work on the human form. This is the picture I'm using to base my work off of, now how am I going to incorporate the biker's tan lines into my marble sculpture? Maybe I can use two different shades of marble and glue them together, marble's not that expensive? Wait a minute, I thought marble was more expensive than that. I think I accidentally typed marbles instead of marble when I purchased my supplies. Guess I'm going to have the first sculpture ever made out of marbles. Time to buy more glue.
Depressed Biker With Tan Lines 		His idea was that he would get extremely drunk and fall asleep on the porch of his house so that the morning sun would give him a nice subtle tan. He didn't account for two things in his master plan. 1, he got way drunker than he planned to and passed out until 1pm, equaling 5 hours of straight sun and 2, his friends had a devious scheme of their own. Writing 'drunk' in sunscreen should've only been the first part of their ingenious pranks, but their plans were ruined by alcohol as well.
The perfect plan ruined 		This seems like a really cool way to get semi-permanent body art. It looks sort of like scarification but much cooler because you don't need to get your skin all cut up, you just lay in the sun for awhile. The only thing I'm not sure about is how crisp the tan lines would be if you're using a loose-fitting shirt.
Sun Tattoo: Awesome Tanning Idea